I'm Mad as Hell...

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I am writing in blue because I am blue. I'm mad as hell and I don't know how much of this I can take anymore. I was in so much pain because of the pps and again I took a hot bath, tried to relax and now I am on the couch again. I hate this. I have so much to do. I am surrounded by two remotes for the television, a book, two writing tablets, no pen, my cellphone, a glass of lemonade, some moisturizing lotion and a pillow for my back. Where is that damn pen?

Thank goodness for laptops and the Internet. I am at least able to connect with the outside world. I do miss my sisters and I wish one of them were here to help me take care of myself. I was reduced to yelling for my husband (again). I needed help to get out of the tub and getting dressed in a house coat. For younger readers a house coat is a cotton sleeping gown, very unglamourous and unsexy. He hates when I wear it, I like it. It's soft and cozy and when you are in pain, you don't feel sexy.

I have just taken a pain pill which will make me drowsy in about one hour. I feel like taking two or three. Pain, pain go away! I am reminded of that self portrait of Frida Kahlo called the Little Deer. There is a little deer running in the forest and it has been hit by numerous arrows in its tiny body. It sheds a tear because it is in such pain. I remember when I was a little girl I told my mother I wish I had extra feet. She wondered what I meant but I told her I wish I could take these feet off (cause they hurt so much) and could put on some new feet that were ready to go. My new feet would be all charged up like a battery and they could take me wherever I wanted to go and I wouldn't be in any pain anymore.

My house has a step from the living room to the hallway towards the bathroom and bedrooms. Every day I go up and down that damn step. By the end of the evening, I am hobbling up that damn step and holding onto the wall for support. I'm mad as hell!

Okay, enough of a pity party. I haven't heard anything yet from the audition last week. I hope I do because it is an exciting gig. I know you are wondering how can she do it? Well, for now I use my heating pad and some pain meds. We polio survivors are very strong and determined to work hard and be our best at whatever we do. So I am not worried about it. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

I did decide not to audition for "Jesus Christ, Superstar" and "Evita". Two of my fave shows of all time. But I know I cannot do night after night of rehearsals and shows for no $$$. I have heard from my director though, and I am filming for two weekends in March. Yay!!! He wanted me to work on March 5 (my birthday) but I am not filming on my birthday. I am relaxing on my birthday. I want to go sailing on my birthday. I want to eat lobster on my birthday. I want to have a drink and party on my birthday. I don't want to film for an 8 - 10 - or 12 hour day!

God, where are my sisters? I wish I had one of them here with me to help me. But they all have their own lives so I bet they wouldn't want to help me. It would be very "Baby Jane" with me lying in bed or on the sofa or in the wheelchair. And my sister doing the cooking and the cleaning. She would be Jane and I would be Blanche. I can see it now! Oh, if I wasn't in this wheelchair! But you are Blanche, you are! Yikes!

My sister is getting a divorce. And she is working at a medical facility. And she has been trained as a certified nursing assistant. She would be perfect. But she has this big dog that is dying and he takes up half her living room. Would she like living in my California home? I have an extra bedroom and bathroom. I could get her a television with free cable. All she would have to do is do the shopping, cooking and cleaning. I wonder? Maybe I'll give her a call. Maybe she could help me out of the tub and help me get dressed.

She could sit out by the pool and have a glass of wine with me. I wouldn't be too much trouble. I know I wouldn't be too much trouble. I am excellent company, I'm very quiet. We could watch movies together. I think I'll give her a call. Would you like to relocate to sunny California? Post-polio syndrome is no fun.