How Can Anyone Be Afraid of a Clown?

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Well, Christmas is over and I am glad. So many people driving like crazy fools for the past few days. They wait till the last minute and then shoppers everywhere and people fighting for parking spots.

The holiday dinner turned out really good and we still have some leftovers. The cookies were excellent and I'm so glad that I made them. I handed some away as gifts too. A pretty quiet holiday. My brother was going to visit from Las Vegas but the rains were so bad that he decided to stay home after all. I don't blame him. In this weather, better to fly.

I talked to a few people who said they were afraid when they saw me dressed as a clown. What? How can anyone be afraid of a clown? But some are and that is so strange to me. Clowns make you laugh, they are so goofy and funny. They give you animal balloons, they ride around in little cars. They have big feet. I love clowns and love being a clown. I am going to learn to juggle and paint faces and do animal balloons. I can't wait!

I've given my writing a bit of a rest during this holiday time although I should probably pick up on it a bit. I cut all my nails off which helps me type faster and I love this. I usually write not on a computer, but on yellow legal pads. I have them everywhere. Whenever I'm working on a project or getting stuff out of my head, it goes right on the paper. I guess different writers use different techniques. This works for me.

I read Water for Elephants in one day. It was so good that I reading it all over again. This is one book that I definitely want to keep so I guess I will be going to Barnes & Noble to pick up a copy for me and one for my Mom. She is an avid reader too so now I know that I take after her in that regard.

For some reason I am craving chicken. Perhaps I will make some fried chicken. I make it the best. Really, I have yet to go to any restaurant that makes it as good as mine. I have a taste for some greens too. A nice tossed salad, biscuits, potatoes and fried chicken. And then, come New Year's Day, time to diet again.

Ugh! But I must unless I want to be a little roly poly clown. And that will not do. Oh no, that will not do at all. I must admit that I am looking forward to the New Year. New adventures, a new job and better opportunities. I know that things will be looking up.

Christmas is Around the Corner!

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I know that Christmas is on December 25 and somehow I am never prepared when it comes around. I guess I just don't want the year to end and I always drag my feet. Ironically, I do like New Years Eve and New Years Day.

I finally have my Christmas tree up and decorated. It looks lovely, a 6' tree. Not a real one but like so many things in California, it looks real and that is the important thing. There are many decorations including the little red cable cars that I purchased in San Francisco several years ago. I love those as it brings back fond memories.

I am in the kitchen baking some Christmas cookies. Now this is a first for me. I do bake good cakes but I am not usually known for my cookies. I'm actually having a good time. I am baking oatmeal, peanut butter, thumbprint and finally sugar cookies. The house smells really good too.

Thank goodness the rain has stopped for now. So sad to hear so many people lost their homes and are stranded. We have been very fortunate. I try to stay out of the elements when the weather gets bad. No use killing yourself over an audition. There will be other auditions.

So I finished reading one book and decided to read another but I didn't want to buy another book. So I called our local library and yes they had it. I took my grocery list with me, stopped by the library to pick up the book. I went to the grocery store and picked up the cookie items.

The book I picked up is "Water for Elephants". You may have seen the promos for the film which is coming out soon. The film stars Reese Witherspoon. It is a film about the circus. This man has some financial problems during the Great Depression and he jumps on board a train at night to get away. He doesn't realize until morning that he has boarded a circus train. His life changes in so many ways. It is wonderful. I don't know if I am glad that I read the book before seeing the film.

Now that I am working as a clown I wish I had learned about the casting of this film earlier. I remember seeing some breakdowns earlier in the Spring but I didn't know anything about this project. Shame on me for not finding out ahead of time. See what I mean about opportunities? You must stay on top of this stuff. It would have been amazing to be in this film. Oh well, I will see it when it comes out nevertheless.

I am very excited about some upcoming opportunities. Can't say anything more at this time. But I just wanted to thank everyone for reading my posts and encouraging me to keep going as you have. You know this business is not for the faint of heart. Every time someone kicks you down, you have to get right back up again. Sometimes I need to remind myself of this.

Stay well, don't shake too many hands as there is the flu bug going around. Be careful when you are shopping at night. Be aware of your surroundings. Don't chat or text when driving. Stay tuned to the local channels for current weather and road conditions. Be safe so you'll be around for next year!

Childrens Hospital on Cartoon Network

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Well, I had a blast on the television show Childrens Hospital. This started out as a webisode, turned into a television show on the WB and then got picked up by the Cartoon Network. This program pokes fun at all the serious hospital shows like ER, Grey's Anatomy, etc. The show stars Henry Winkler, Megan Mullally and others.

I am excited because I told my family I want to be a clown. It was in the back of my mind and I walked into our local thrift store. And lo and behold there was this beautiful little red hat just calling out to me. Price $2. I tried it on and it was a perfect fit. I went home, had this costume hanging in my closet and came up with my clown outfit.

I practiced with the make-up till I found something I really liked and ta da! Now to get some stockings, underwear and gloves. Did you know that there is clown etiquette? It is true. There is clown etiquette. As a clown you cannot show any skin. Nada! So I even have makeup over my ears, neck and throat.

I have been an elf and now a clown. Yay! Very excited because I am going to learn to juggle and of course, make the balloons for the kids. I would love to visit hospitals, go to the library and entertain the children.

I was in a room full of 13 other clowns and we had a blast. There is nothing like a room full of clowns entertaining each other and the crew. There is nothing like the look of a child when they see a clown. Their whole face lights up. I love it.

We took a lunch break and we were starving. I didn't think anything about it until I heard a small child say there are so many clowns! And sure enough he looked like he was 5 and his face was so happy. He probably never saw so many clowns in one place.

I wish I were more agile and could do somersaults and stuff like that. But alas, with this polio I am happy to walk.

I am looking forward to the movie, Water for Elephants about the circus. If I had my photos with the casting agencies perhaps I would have been chosen too for this film. Ah! coulda, woulda, shoulda. But you live and learn with this business!

Be a Clown

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Be a clown, be a clown all the world loves a clown. Some of you may have noticed that I changed my profile photo. Yes, I did. Well there was an audition notice that I received and they were looking for clowns. Apparently some folks who are not clowns submitted themselves. And the notice went out again for real clowns.

So I put on my full clown attire including all makeup and sent in some lovely photos. The project is for a television show and this is an AFTRA job. Yay! Today I received the phone call that I have been selected. No audition necessary! This is a featured role and I am so excited. I am packing my items because I have an early call time tomorrow and must be in full clown attire and on the set.

Of course the rest of my week has been dead and then I get an email from my agent that I have a big audition for a really big project. And the audition is tomorrow! Why does everything happen at once? Ugh! It never fails. The audition couldn't be Saturday or Monday. It has to be tomorrow after I already accepted the clown job.

Now in case you are wondering what the protocol is, once you accept the job it is yours. And you cannot or should not even try to get out of it. It is considered bad form to leave one job for another. And in all fairness, tomorrow is an audition it is not a job. And besides, I already accepted the job.

Now I love being a clown and have never been a clown on television. I have auditioned as a clown on several other projects but was never selected. I am an actor not a model so doing photos is difficult for me. But, I have been watching America's Next Top Model and I have been learning what to do and what not to do from that show.

And guess what? It really helped. The models only have a few moments to get into character and then strike a pose. The same with acting. Our head shots are our calling cards. To a certain degree you can make yourself look better. But you have to start out with a good face, a good pose and good clothes. Sometimes if you get nervous, it will show on your photo. So the good thing about being a clown is most of your face is in clown makeup. But the camera still sees your eyes. And that is where being in the moment comes in.

I had a really good time getting into character with a doll, an umbrella, using my hands, and making faces. Well, apparently they liked what they saw because I got booked from my photos. I report to the set early tomorrow for a long day of filming. I'm so excited! We shoot in North Hollywood and let me tell ya, this job could not have come at a better time.

Cheers!

December is almost over!

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My goodness, where has December gone? I can't believe that half the month is here already. My month has been busy and I have several writing assignments. I am writing for a newsletter and I have started writing a book. The book is about our family. I have written three chapters and so far, so good.

I was thinking of getting a puppy for Christmas but I have decided against this idea. I do so much travelling that I don't think it would be fair to the new puppy. I already have three cats and they are well cared for when I travel. Perhaps later when I have more time at home.

I sure hope that next year is better than this year has been. I've been thinking of several friends and relatives and it seems that most of them are having a hard time too. I wonder how they are keeping their spirits up. I have been reading some of my previous posts and it seems that I have been up and down. I can't help it. It's not that I worry all the time because I don't. I don't worry about things. I just ride it out. In this industry, you can be really down and then you get a call for a job or you do a really great audition and then I am working again and all is well.

I have been more worried about my health. I did get my CPAP machine and have been using it. I did notice a big difference in my sleeping habits now. I am actually starting to dream again. I guess I am getting the good sleep that I need. I am not yawning all the time as I once did.

Things will get better, they will! I know they will. I believe in the abundance theory and I know that good things are around the corner for me. My brother is coming to visit me for Christmas and I am really looking forward to seeing him. I actually was going to invite myself to his home in Las Vegas but he is coming here. I can't wait to see him again! After losing an Uncle it really makes you glad that I have more relatives.

I would like to thank you, dear reader for sticking with me this year. It has been ups and downs but that is the way life can be. I do want to get more organized. I did miss some events this year because I did write them down and then forgot about them. Yikes! I can't do that anymore. My schedule is too important to miss important events. I am getting very particular about which events I attend.

There are still Christmas cards to mail out and gifts to send. I look forward to another turkey dinner surrounded by family and friends. I am keeping my fingers crossed for an audition on a SAG project. They were looking for clowns so I put on my clown outfit and sent in my photos. Wish me luck!

Through Rose Colored Glasses

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I wish I could paint the world pink. Pink is my favorite color. Pink makes everything better. Pink is soothing and soft and safe. And right now when it feels like my world is falling apart, pink is like Valium.

When I was younger I heard the term looking at the world through rose colored glasses and i realized that you see the world as you wish it were and not as it really is. That is so true but I believe it is also a safety valve. Yesterday I didn't watch any news programs at all. I tried to get into the Holiday spirit and was listening to some old fashioned Christmas music. I felt better and the music brought back memories of Christmas past and friends that I had not thought of in years.

But then we went to lunch and while lunch was good we had a conversation about the death of Uncle Ted and things went downhill from there. I tried to brush it off but it was upsetting. I made a nice dinner of homemade chicken noodle soup and that was really good. I read some more of Janis Ian's book, Society Child. That book is a very real look into the music industry.

I wanted to watch an old Christmas movie, Scrooge but it had just ended. I remember taking my youngest brother and sister to the movies to watch that. It was a nice memory but my hubby looked bored to tears with watching old TV movies about Christmas. I had asked him 3 times if we could put up our Christmas tree. Asked him 3 times if he was going to put the lights on the house. Asked him 3 times to bring down the Christmas decorations so I could start decorating our tree.

And like Scrooge he didn't want to be bothered. Okay, let's see. No job, no money, no visitors, no family left here. I can't go anywhere, can't spend anything and now we can't even try to get into the Christmas spirit by decorating the house? What am I doing with someone who doesn't even get me? OMG, I married Scrooge. We go through this every single year.

Do you know what it is like to be married to someone who is clinically depressed? You cheer them up every single day, like a cheerleader. You prop them up and laugh at them to ease the tension. You encourage them to take their antidepressant medicine everyday. You try to cook them their favorite meals, you encourage the pets to give him extra love. You try and try and try and everyday they still wake up unhappy. It's like that movie, Groundhog day. Everyday is the same and every morning you hope this will be the day that is different. But it's not -- it's Groundhog day all over again. It's like the merry-go-round that you want to get off and you are afraid if you jump off, you'll crack your head open like a coconut.

I have a film I'm shooting. I have only filmed one scene and I have three more to go. I have a TV show that I'm in that is coming out in the summer. I have another episode of I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant coming out in a few weeks. I have been asked to proof some scripts but I actually had to ask for payment because they wanted me to do it for free. Do you believe this? I have a play coming up in the Spring. And right now all I want to do is make the world go away.

Where are my rose colored glasses? Where can I get some Valium? Why are there a bunch of users who want to take, take, take? I have a ticket to a class this morning run by one of the top casting directors in LA. I can't do it. I can't drive to LA to hear another casting director tell a room full of actors what they want to see at auditions. Because I know what they want to see. They want to see some beautiful 18 to 24 year old who looks like they could still be in high school or on another episode of Glee. Who are they kidding? And if this is not you, you may as well stay home. Hell, even the Sex and the City 2 women looked like shit. Did you see a worse movie than that?

Does anyone care about another writer in Hollywood? Remember Sunset Boulevard? Well, it's just like that. You chase your dreams in La La land and end up in a stuffy, studio apartment. A Murphy bed, a rancid smell. You eat peanut butter sandwiches for lunch and eat cereal for dinner. You walk and walk and watch people eating nice meals in fancy restaurants. You drive down Sunset Boulevard and look towards Chateau Marmont where John Belushi died. You wonder if this is all worth it.

You drive past the street and look up to the homes in the Hollywood Hills and know that you once worked there at that home, the one next to the home of Drew Barrymore. I took a non-union job there for $200 a day. I knew that the production company would make a whole lot more money than that. But I was hungry and $200 a day is better than $0. They take advantage of talent every single day and if you don't want to do it, someone else will. They keep coming off the bus from places like Kansas.

I can see how people cross that line from sanity to insanity. You walk the line of the straight and narrow so long and then you wonder why you do it. For dignity? Doesn't pay the bills. You wonder who knows you out here in Hollywood anyway? And who really cares? And the truth hits you between the eyes. No one knows you in Hollywood and no one really cares. And then you wind up lonely and broke and in the depths of despair like Neely O'Hara in Valley of the Dolls. And you understand why Neely keeps taking pills.

At night you walk down the main street in Beverly Hills. The lights are so bright and so welcoming. But it is all an illusion. After all, this is Hollywood where the unreal can seem so real. And I am reminded of the Twilight Zone episode where the actor is miserable in his real life but loves his life on the TV series. And he finally comes to the realization that life is better in his make believe world. He jumps in and he never looks back. Fantasy or reality? Pass the Valium, please.

Back to Work

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What a day yesterday was. I don't think any of us anticipate death and yet there it is. Life is so much better. So I have dried my tears and come to terms with a family loss. Back to work!

I had jury duty on Monday and then dealt with the loss of our Uncle on Tuesday and Wednesday. I may have an audition tomorrow, will have to wait and see.

I am trying to get into the Christmas spirit but it is difficult this year. I have not had a steady job this year at all and acting jobs have been too few and far between. I did however, have a wonderful opportunity to work as a production assistant earlier this year. And I did some television filming. I also got to meet several celebrities and have been offered several writing assignments too.

I am going to concentrate on family for the remainder of the year. I know that my children look to me for guidance and while it has been a trying year for everyone, life goes on. And there have been tough times in the past and we have weathered the storm and we will do so again. And hopefully, we will have learned some valuable lessons like always save for a rainy day. And hold those that you love dear to your heart. You never know when you may not see them again.

It cracks me up when people call me to interview them just to promote a new movie they are doing or because they are getting themselves out there. Well, I am an actor too and getting yourself out there is part of the job. I am amazed how many times I will meet an interesting person and I will ask for their card only to have them tell me that they don't have one with them. Really? And you are promoting yourself? I learned a long time ago to have 4 or 5 head shots in my car at all times. And I always have my card which is a business sized head shot with my phone number and email address on it. You never know who you'll meet and you may not have the time to really chat. So I always say, I'd love to stay in touch. May I give you my card? See simple stuff that I learned when I was a Mary Kay consultant.

Okay, now you know my secret to staying young looking and beautiful. It is my Mary Kay products! I love them and I always pamper my Mom, sisters and girl friends when they come to visit me. We do facials and I teach them how to care for their skin. Everyone should moisturize, even men!

So I have applied to several jobs, one at a local casino. And I submitted 4 applications to Warner Brothers studio. Wouldn't that be awesome to work at Warner Bros??? I have worked as an actress at Universal Studios, Paramount, Sony but have not yet worked at Warner Bros. I have a background in Administration and in Finance in case you were wondering. And my major in college was Communications. Communications is a wonderful field and goes hand in hand with the dwindling degree of Journalism.

Well, I am going to stay optimistic because I am a glass half full kinda gal and win or lose, we must keep going forward. I just know that there is a good job out there with my name on it, good supervisor, good pay and a place where I can spread my wings and fly. Come on, Universe bring it!

Please deliver to Uncle Ted in Heaven

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Dear Uncle Ted,

I am writing this letter to you because I know that you wanted us to stay in touch. I am going to miss your laughter and the way you said you needed some lovies. I enjoyed watching you eat everything on your plate. I remember visiting you in the hospital and seeing your face light up when we walked into the room.

I remember how cute you looked on our doorstep when you came over to visit us and you handed me a bouquet of flowers. I dressed for dinner and I took your arm and we walked into the restaurant and you loved the salmon dish you ordered.

You loved eating ice cream – and you loved entertaining. You were very kind to my parents and you thought my Mom was a pistol.

You said you don’t remember the last time you went to the movies and I made a mental note of that so we could take you but many times you didn’t want to leave the house. I think you knew you didn’t have much time left.

I didn’t realize what a romantic you were until you said that your wife died in your arms. It made me realize that you still grieved for her to this day. And now you are with Enid.

We had spoken some words and said some things that we both regretted and when John called you were so happy and apologetic. Then I knew that we could never be mad at each other again. Life is too short to say mean things that you can’t take back. And nothing is worse than having no family.

You told me many times how much you loved John and that was nice to hear. You showed us many photos of your family and told us how Grandma Ann was more your mother than a big sister, you loved her so!

You loved music and I think you were really happy that John, Jeremy and Amy all shared your love of music. I think you were proud of my acting career too and would call me movie star!

You gave us good advice on where to move, when to buy a home and when to keep our homes. You talked many times about how you didn’t like doctors, and illness and you were so proud that you were able to drive yourself to the doctor’s offices and you very rarely asked for any help even though we offered many times.

You were stubborn as a mule at times and there were times when we intervened but I think that you loved the fact that we cared. And we did. You were not perfect but no one is. In the end, it is all about forgiveness and love. And family. Thank you for your guidance and your love. We will miss you.

R.I.P. Uncle Ted

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It is with sadness dear reader that I tell you about the loss of our Uncle Ted. He was the great Uncle of my husband and he was 88 years old. I first learned about Uncle Ted when we first married. He was the Uncle that lived in San Diego. My husband's grandmother Ann was Ted's big sister. She was 11 years older than Ted and very protective of him.

He was the youngest of many children and was only a baby when they all came over on the boat from Poland to Ellis Island. He said his older brothers and sisters were much older and they were always shooing him away. He had a good full life with two previous marriages, one son and two grandsons.

He was a professional musician for much of his life and a health problem deterred him from serving during WWII. After a failed first marriage he left his wife and young son and headed out west to Phoenix. As a head waiter he saved enough money to buy a home in La Jolla. He told us he brought his home with his tip money!

He was pretty happy with his second marriage which lasted 12 years. They enjoyed travelling, boating, and he lost his wife to leukemia the year that we moved to California in 1993. He was very instrumental in helping us choose a place to live in nearby Poway. Great school district and low crime!

He was a realtor for the last 30 years of his life and retired a few years ago. He enjoyed working out, cooking on his patio. He hated getting older and seeing his friends pass on one by one. He always said why am I the last one? Why do I have to see all my friends go?

I didn't know until recently that when his wife passed, she died in his arms in their bed. He knew his health was failing but he didn't want to go into a nursing home. I figured out that he wanted to die in his home too. We asked him to come and live with us but he didn't want to.

He loved jazz music and the big bands. He loved having visitors. He loved living in San Diego. He was not a perfect man. No one is perfect. But he had a plan for his life and that did not include getting old and having your health deteriorate. He hated that.

When we picked him up from the hospital that last time, he told me how much he loved my husband and I said he loves you too. He told the nursing staff, I don't know what I would do without these guys (meaning my husband and me).

I was filming all week in LA and was happy to be home on Saturday. I told my hubby we should go see Uncle Ted on Sunday. We both had a lazy morning and watched TV. Before we knew it, it was 5 pm and too late to visit. We called him earlier today to check in on him and his friend, Marie answered the phone.

She told us that Ted had taken a spill and had fallen. The next part is sketchy but some how she was notified that he had fallen. They took him to the hospital on Sunday. On Monday around 4 pm he passed. No one had called us. If we had not called him today, I don't know when we would have been notified.

We are both so shaken that this happened on Sunday and feel somehow that had we been there perhaps he would not have fallen. Everything is up in the air for now. I am saddened for us but I know he died where he wanted to die, at home. He is in a much better place now, that I know for sure. His heart and his kidneys were failing him.

After his release from the hospital, we brought him to our home to recover. He asked me if I thought he would get better. I told him no, I didn't think he was getting better. I told him his head nurse told us his two major organs were failing him and it was just a matter of time. I hope I did the right thing by telling him the truth. I held his hand as I told him and he looked like oh, okay. And then he wanted to go home. And yesterday he went home to our Lord.

Listen to me on WWWN Radio

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I've had a blast today doing some voice over work for the internet radio station, WWWN on Live 365 radio. http://www.live365.com/ and look for my radio station, WWWN. Please do log on and listen. If you'd like you can even request a song or make a dedication. I am notified via email and I will put your song on or make the dedication for you. Become a listener! The station is songs from the 60s, 70s and 80s which was a fun time.

I do voice over for an episode which I call the Hollywood Minute. I talk about stuff going on in Hollywood, gossip on upcoming films, and today I am promoting my friend Christopher Carrington. He is appearing on an upcoming episode of ABC's Castle tomorrow night. I am very excited for Chris. He and I worked together on the indie film, "Woman's Work" which went to like 20 independent film festivals.

I am tired after working on a TV show last Wednesday, and another show on Thursday and Friday. I was hoping to catch lunch or dinner with some of my LA pals but I wasn't expecting to be on the set for a 12 hour day. Yikes! After that all I want to do is have some dinner, put on some jammies and jump into bed.

There is nothing like driving down the 101 towards Hollywood and knowing I am working on the set. I report to wardrobe and makeup. Bless those makeup ladies for helping me look good. I never quite know what to wear to the set and believe me, all the actresses come in looking like death warmed over. We stumble in with no makeup and head straight for the coffee!

So for my upcoming week, who knows? Well, I have mandatory jury duty tomorrow. Yuck! I am not happy about this because there was a really good SAG job that I could have auditioned for but because the auditions were on Monday, I knew I couldn't go.

And I missed an audition for Anna's Linens. I was working on the set and my agent told me to try to audition if I got out early enough but nope, it wasn't happening. Oh well. That's how it goes. I met some really awesome ladies last week on the set of the new comedy show, "Jon Benjamin Has a Van" and one of them shared some good gossip on where to shop for clothes. I love it when you go to the set and the vibe is just right. It makes for an easy, tranquil set where we all work together and believe me when there are 10 women there sometimes that doesn't always happen.

I have to say though that even though I am one of those people that are unemployed that I have been really lucky. I have some upcoming projects in 2011, I have some job prospects and am doing a play in February. I had an audition this year for Dexter and got a callback on a national commercial. Even though I didn't get cast, I did get in front of 2 new casting directors that I'd never seen before. Dustin Hoffman once auditioned for Mike Nichols and even though he didn't get the role, Mr. Nichols remembered Dustin and cast him for The Graduate and the rest is history.

I'm listening to WWWN and Leslie Gore is singing a song. Wow, this brings back memories of watching my older sisters dancing to 45s. I was the little sister always hanging around them and asking them to teach me how to dance. They would shoo me away and I would still watch them and mimic their moves. One sister was much older and just wanted to get married. The other sister was incredibly self-conscious and shy. And all I ever wanted to do was dance and act.

And so I did. I acted in school plays in grade school. I joined the Glee Club in high school and acted in high school productions. After graduation I joined local community groups and acted in some drama plays and did some musicals. I was doing West Side Story when a police Lieutenant I knew asked me to encourage his niece. She wanted to be an actress too. Believe me, she didn't need any encouragement from me. She had ambition and you know her today as the beautiful and talented Katie Holmes from Toledo, Ohio. True story!

I have been asked to write a story on the master class I attended which was taught by Janis Ian. I am so excited because I know she will read it. I wish I had taken notes now but I couldn't take my eyes off her. She was just so amazing. Have you heard the Buddhist saying, when the student is ready the teacher will appear? Well, it's true. I feel sometimes that I still have so much to learn about the entertainment business.

I will share my journey with you, my readers as I stumble across this mine field. There are pitfalls. There are setbacks. There will be blood, sweat and tears. And there have been many times when I have been so tired that I could only manage a bowl of cereal for dinner. But then when things are better it makes the white wine and lobster dinners that much sweeter!