Through Rose Colored Glasses

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I wish I could paint the world pink. Pink is my favorite color. Pink makes everything better. Pink is soothing and soft and safe. And right now when it feels like my world is falling apart, pink is like Valium.

When I was younger I heard the term looking at the world through rose colored glasses and i realized that you see the world as you wish it were and not as it really is. That is so true but I believe it is also a safety valve. Yesterday I didn't watch any news programs at all. I tried to get into the Holiday spirit and was listening to some old fashioned Christmas music. I felt better and the music brought back memories of Christmas past and friends that I had not thought of in years.

But then we went to lunch and while lunch was good we had a conversation about the death of Uncle Ted and things went downhill from there. I tried to brush it off but it was upsetting. I made a nice dinner of homemade chicken noodle soup and that was really good. I read some more of Janis Ian's book, Society Child. That book is a very real look into the music industry.

I wanted to watch an old Christmas movie, Scrooge but it had just ended. I remember taking my youngest brother and sister to the movies to watch that. It was a nice memory but my hubby looked bored to tears with watching old TV movies about Christmas. I had asked him 3 times if we could put up our Christmas tree. Asked him 3 times if he was going to put the lights on the house. Asked him 3 times to bring down the Christmas decorations so I could start decorating our tree.

And like Scrooge he didn't want to be bothered. Okay, let's see. No job, no money, no visitors, no family left here. I can't go anywhere, can't spend anything and now we can't even try to get into the Christmas spirit by decorating the house? What am I doing with someone who doesn't even get me? OMG, I married Scrooge. We go through this every single year.

Do you know what it is like to be married to someone who is clinically depressed? You cheer them up every single day, like a cheerleader. You prop them up and laugh at them to ease the tension. You encourage them to take their antidepressant medicine everyday. You try to cook them their favorite meals, you encourage the pets to give him extra love. You try and try and try and everyday they still wake up unhappy. It's like that movie, Groundhog day. Everyday is the same and every morning you hope this will be the day that is different. But it's not -- it's Groundhog day all over again. It's like the merry-go-round that you want to get off and you are afraid if you jump off, you'll crack your head open like a coconut.

I have a film I'm shooting. I have only filmed one scene and I have three more to go. I have a TV show that I'm in that is coming out in the summer. I have another episode of I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant coming out in a few weeks. I have been asked to proof some scripts but I actually had to ask for payment because they wanted me to do it for free. Do you believe this? I have a play coming up in the Spring. And right now all I want to do is make the world go away.

Where are my rose colored glasses? Where can I get some Valium? Why are there a bunch of users who want to take, take, take? I have a ticket to a class this morning run by one of the top casting directors in LA. I can't do it. I can't drive to LA to hear another casting director tell a room full of actors what they want to see at auditions. Because I know what they want to see. They want to see some beautiful 18 to 24 year old who looks like they could still be in high school or on another episode of Glee. Who are they kidding? And if this is not you, you may as well stay home. Hell, even the Sex and the City 2 women looked like shit. Did you see a worse movie than that?

Does anyone care about another writer in Hollywood? Remember Sunset Boulevard? Well, it's just like that. You chase your dreams in La La land and end up in a stuffy, studio apartment. A Murphy bed, a rancid smell. You eat peanut butter sandwiches for lunch and eat cereal for dinner. You walk and walk and watch people eating nice meals in fancy restaurants. You drive down Sunset Boulevard and look towards Chateau Marmont where John Belushi died. You wonder if this is all worth it.

You drive past the street and look up to the homes in the Hollywood Hills and know that you once worked there at that home, the one next to the home of Drew Barrymore. I took a non-union job there for $200 a day. I knew that the production company would make a whole lot more money than that. But I was hungry and $200 a day is better than $0. They take advantage of talent every single day and if you don't want to do it, someone else will. They keep coming off the bus from places like Kansas.

I can see how people cross that line from sanity to insanity. You walk the line of the straight and narrow so long and then you wonder why you do it. For dignity? Doesn't pay the bills. You wonder who knows you out here in Hollywood anyway? And who really cares? And the truth hits you between the eyes. No one knows you in Hollywood and no one really cares. And then you wind up lonely and broke and in the depths of despair like Neely O'Hara in Valley of the Dolls. And you understand why Neely keeps taking pills.

At night you walk down the main street in Beverly Hills. The lights are so bright and so welcoming. But it is all an illusion. After all, this is Hollywood where the unreal can seem so real. And I am reminded of the Twilight Zone episode where the actor is miserable in his real life but loves his life on the TV series. And he finally comes to the realization that life is better in his make believe world. He jumps in and he never looks back. Fantasy or reality? Pass the Valium, please.