To thine own self be true

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I have been very introspective lately and I started thinking about people in my life who are no longer in my life. Sometimes it is very painful to eliminate someone from your life and sometimes you know it is the right thing to do.

I had a friend in my life and she seemed so wonderful. She was so confident and so brave. She went where ever she wanted to go. She had lots of female friends. She seemed to be everything that I wanted to be but never had the nerve to be. She didn't have any sisters, unlike me. She was single. We talked for so many nights and we shared so many things with each other. One thing I did love her for was the fact that I confided to her that I had so many things I wanted to do with my life. Things like acting and writing and singing and traveling. She encouraged me to write. She encouraged me to sing and actually loved my singing. We traveled together and I thought we had the most wonderful friendship. But then I saw that sometimes she was manipulative. And her boyfriend it turns out, was hitting on all her friends. When I told her some things about her boyfriend that I noticed that were not pleasant, well she ended our friendship in a bad way. I know that she will be successful in whatever she tries to do.

For me, I did learn to enjoy the things I always wanted to do. I started writing again and was hired to be a contributing writer for a magazine. I started going on auditions and started booking roles. I started singing again with a local women's chorus. I started travelling and found that I still really love to travel. I gained a confidence and freedom that I never thought possible. I started submitting stories and they were getting published. I had the confidence to go and audition for projects. And sometimes I would get the parts and sometimes I didn't. But I know I am a winner because I try.

Do I regret our friendship? Not at all. It kinda feels like the Tin Man. He thought he needed a heart from the Wizard of Oz. But he had a heart all along. He just didn't know it.

And I know me. I was always afraid that being a wife and a mother was all the world was going to see about me. But in high school, I was a writer and an actor and someone who had lots of friends. I was in the Glee club and a dancer and in all the school plays. I imagined myself travelling to Europe and going to the most amazing parties.

And I got married and had children and they came first. My husband and my kids came first and some how I got lost. I lost myself. And I became shy and introverted. I became lonely and a shell of the person I once was. I always worked outside the home and I was a good worker, very competent. But I wasn't doing what I loved, I was just making a living and trying to be a good Mom. But so much was missing inside of me.

And that was when I started my new job and met her. Thank you, wherever you are. You helped me find myself again. You gave me the courage to look into the mirror and see that I was buried deep down inside myself. And it was okay for me to be me. And the best thing I can do for my children is to show them to be true to yourself and go after your dreams.

And now when they see a new article that is published that I wrote, they say good job, Mom! And even if I go on an audition, they are proud of me. And I am proud of myself because this is who I am.