Through Rose Colored Glasses

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I wish I could paint the world pink. Pink is my favorite color. Pink makes everything better. Pink is soothing and soft and safe. And right now when it feels like my world is falling apart, pink is like Valium.

When I was younger I heard the term looking at the world through rose colored glasses and i realized that you see the world as you wish it were and not as it really is. That is so true but I believe it is also a safety valve. Yesterday I didn't watch any news programs at all. I tried to get into the Holiday spirit and was listening to some old fashioned Christmas music. I felt better and the music brought back memories of Christmas past and friends that I had not thought of in years.

But then we went to lunch and while lunch was good we had a conversation about the death of Uncle Ted and things went downhill from there. I tried to brush it off but it was upsetting. I made a nice dinner of homemade chicken noodle soup and that was really good. I read some more of Janis Ian's book, Society Child. That book is a very real look into the music industry.

I wanted to watch an old Christmas movie, Scrooge but it had just ended. I remember taking my youngest brother and sister to the movies to watch that. It was a nice memory but my hubby looked bored to tears with watching old TV movies about Christmas. I had asked him 3 times if we could put up our Christmas tree. Asked him 3 times if he was going to put the lights on the house. Asked him 3 times to bring down the Christmas decorations so I could start decorating our tree.

And like Scrooge he didn't want to be bothered. Okay, let's see. No job, no money, no visitors, no family left here. I can't go anywhere, can't spend anything and now we can't even try to get into the Christmas spirit by decorating the house? What am I doing with someone who doesn't even get me? OMG, I married Scrooge. We go through this every single year.

Do you know what it is like to be married to someone who is clinically depressed? You cheer them up every single day, like a cheerleader. You prop them up and laugh at them to ease the tension. You encourage them to take their antidepressant medicine everyday. You try to cook them their favorite meals, you encourage the pets to give him extra love. You try and try and try and everyday they still wake up unhappy. It's like that movie, Groundhog day. Everyday is the same and every morning you hope this will be the day that is different. But it's not -- it's Groundhog day all over again. It's like the merry-go-round that you want to get off and you are afraid if you jump off, you'll crack your head open like a coconut.

I have a film I'm shooting. I have only filmed one scene and I have three more to go. I have a TV show that I'm in that is coming out in the summer. I have another episode of I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant coming out in a few weeks. I have been asked to proof some scripts but I actually had to ask for payment because they wanted me to do it for free. Do you believe this? I have a play coming up in the Spring. And right now all I want to do is make the world go away.

Where are my rose colored glasses? Where can I get some Valium? Why are there a bunch of users who want to take, take, take? I have a ticket to a class this morning run by one of the top casting directors in LA. I can't do it. I can't drive to LA to hear another casting director tell a room full of actors what they want to see at auditions. Because I know what they want to see. They want to see some beautiful 18 to 24 year old who looks like they could still be in high school or on another episode of Glee. Who are they kidding? And if this is not you, you may as well stay home. Hell, even the Sex and the City 2 women looked like shit. Did you see a worse movie than that?

Does anyone care about another writer in Hollywood? Remember Sunset Boulevard? Well, it's just like that. You chase your dreams in La La land and end up in a stuffy, studio apartment. A Murphy bed, a rancid smell. You eat peanut butter sandwiches for lunch and eat cereal for dinner. You walk and walk and watch people eating nice meals in fancy restaurants. You drive down Sunset Boulevard and look towards Chateau Marmont where John Belushi died. You wonder if this is all worth it.

You drive past the street and look up to the homes in the Hollywood Hills and know that you once worked there at that home, the one next to the home of Drew Barrymore. I took a non-union job there for $200 a day. I knew that the production company would make a whole lot more money than that. But I was hungry and $200 a day is better than $0. They take advantage of talent every single day and if you don't want to do it, someone else will. They keep coming off the bus from places like Kansas.

I can see how people cross that line from sanity to insanity. You walk the line of the straight and narrow so long and then you wonder why you do it. For dignity? Doesn't pay the bills. You wonder who knows you out here in Hollywood anyway? And who really cares? And the truth hits you between the eyes. No one knows you in Hollywood and no one really cares. And then you wind up lonely and broke and in the depths of despair like Neely O'Hara in Valley of the Dolls. And you understand why Neely keeps taking pills.

At night you walk down the main street in Beverly Hills. The lights are so bright and so welcoming. But it is all an illusion. After all, this is Hollywood where the unreal can seem so real. And I am reminded of the Twilight Zone episode where the actor is miserable in his real life but loves his life on the TV series. And he finally comes to the realization that life is better in his make believe world. He jumps in and he never looks back. Fantasy or reality? Pass the Valium, please.

Back to Work

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What a day yesterday was. I don't think any of us anticipate death and yet there it is. Life is so much better. So I have dried my tears and come to terms with a family loss. Back to work!

I had jury duty on Monday and then dealt with the loss of our Uncle on Tuesday and Wednesday. I may have an audition tomorrow, will have to wait and see.

I am trying to get into the Christmas spirit but it is difficult this year. I have not had a steady job this year at all and acting jobs have been too few and far between. I did however, have a wonderful opportunity to work as a production assistant earlier this year. And I did some television filming. I also got to meet several celebrities and have been offered several writing assignments too.

I am going to concentrate on family for the remainder of the year. I know that my children look to me for guidance and while it has been a trying year for everyone, life goes on. And there have been tough times in the past and we have weathered the storm and we will do so again. And hopefully, we will have learned some valuable lessons like always save for a rainy day. And hold those that you love dear to your heart. You never know when you may not see them again.

It cracks me up when people call me to interview them just to promote a new movie they are doing or because they are getting themselves out there. Well, I am an actor too and getting yourself out there is part of the job. I am amazed how many times I will meet an interesting person and I will ask for their card only to have them tell me that they don't have one with them. Really? And you are promoting yourself? I learned a long time ago to have 4 or 5 head shots in my car at all times. And I always have my card which is a business sized head shot with my phone number and email address on it. You never know who you'll meet and you may not have the time to really chat. So I always say, I'd love to stay in touch. May I give you my card? See simple stuff that I learned when I was a Mary Kay consultant.

Okay, now you know my secret to staying young looking and beautiful. It is my Mary Kay products! I love them and I always pamper my Mom, sisters and girl friends when they come to visit me. We do facials and I teach them how to care for their skin. Everyone should moisturize, even men!

So I have applied to several jobs, one at a local casino. And I submitted 4 applications to Warner Brothers studio. Wouldn't that be awesome to work at Warner Bros??? I have worked as an actress at Universal Studios, Paramount, Sony but have not yet worked at Warner Bros. I have a background in Administration and in Finance in case you were wondering. And my major in college was Communications. Communications is a wonderful field and goes hand in hand with the dwindling degree of Journalism.

Well, I am going to stay optimistic because I am a glass half full kinda gal and win or lose, we must keep going forward. I just know that there is a good job out there with my name on it, good supervisor, good pay and a place where I can spread my wings and fly. Come on, Universe bring it!

Please deliver to Uncle Ted in Heaven

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Dear Uncle Ted,

I am writing this letter to you because I know that you wanted us to stay in touch. I am going to miss your laughter and the way you said you needed some lovies. I enjoyed watching you eat everything on your plate. I remember visiting you in the hospital and seeing your face light up when we walked into the room.

I remember how cute you looked on our doorstep when you came over to visit us and you handed me a bouquet of flowers. I dressed for dinner and I took your arm and we walked into the restaurant and you loved the salmon dish you ordered.

You loved eating ice cream – and you loved entertaining. You were very kind to my parents and you thought my Mom was a pistol.

You said you don’t remember the last time you went to the movies and I made a mental note of that so we could take you but many times you didn’t want to leave the house. I think you knew you didn’t have much time left.

I didn’t realize what a romantic you were until you said that your wife died in your arms. It made me realize that you still grieved for her to this day. And now you are with Enid.

We had spoken some words and said some things that we both regretted and when John called you were so happy and apologetic. Then I knew that we could never be mad at each other again. Life is too short to say mean things that you can’t take back. And nothing is worse than having no family.

You told me many times how much you loved John and that was nice to hear. You showed us many photos of your family and told us how Grandma Ann was more your mother than a big sister, you loved her so!

You loved music and I think you were really happy that John, Jeremy and Amy all shared your love of music. I think you were proud of my acting career too and would call me movie star!

You gave us good advice on where to move, when to buy a home and when to keep our homes. You talked many times about how you didn’t like doctors, and illness and you were so proud that you were able to drive yourself to the doctor’s offices and you very rarely asked for any help even though we offered many times.

You were stubborn as a mule at times and there were times when we intervened but I think that you loved the fact that we cared. And we did. You were not perfect but no one is. In the end, it is all about forgiveness and love. And family. Thank you for your guidance and your love. We will miss you.

R.I.P. Uncle Ted

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It is with sadness dear reader that I tell you about the loss of our Uncle Ted. He was the great Uncle of my husband and he was 88 years old. I first learned about Uncle Ted when we first married. He was the Uncle that lived in San Diego. My husband's grandmother Ann was Ted's big sister. She was 11 years older than Ted and very protective of him.

He was the youngest of many children and was only a baby when they all came over on the boat from Poland to Ellis Island. He said his older brothers and sisters were much older and they were always shooing him away. He had a good full life with two previous marriages, one son and two grandsons.

He was a professional musician for much of his life and a health problem deterred him from serving during WWII. After a failed first marriage he left his wife and young son and headed out west to Phoenix. As a head waiter he saved enough money to buy a home in La Jolla. He told us he brought his home with his tip money!

He was pretty happy with his second marriage which lasted 12 years. They enjoyed travelling, boating, and he lost his wife to leukemia the year that we moved to California in 1993. He was very instrumental in helping us choose a place to live in nearby Poway. Great school district and low crime!

He was a realtor for the last 30 years of his life and retired a few years ago. He enjoyed working out, cooking on his patio. He hated getting older and seeing his friends pass on one by one. He always said why am I the last one? Why do I have to see all my friends go?

I didn't know until recently that when his wife passed, she died in his arms in their bed. He knew his health was failing but he didn't want to go into a nursing home. I figured out that he wanted to die in his home too. We asked him to come and live with us but he didn't want to.

He loved jazz music and the big bands. He loved having visitors. He loved living in San Diego. He was not a perfect man. No one is perfect. But he had a plan for his life and that did not include getting old and having your health deteriorate. He hated that.

When we picked him up from the hospital that last time, he told me how much he loved my husband and I said he loves you too. He told the nursing staff, I don't know what I would do without these guys (meaning my husband and me).

I was filming all week in LA and was happy to be home on Saturday. I told my hubby we should go see Uncle Ted on Sunday. We both had a lazy morning and watched TV. Before we knew it, it was 5 pm and too late to visit. We called him earlier today to check in on him and his friend, Marie answered the phone.

She told us that Ted had taken a spill and had fallen. The next part is sketchy but some how she was notified that he had fallen. They took him to the hospital on Sunday. On Monday around 4 pm he passed. No one had called us. If we had not called him today, I don't know when we would have been notified.

We are both so shaken that this happened on Sunday and feel somehow that had we been there perhaps he would not have fallen. Everything is up in the air for now. I am saddened for us but I know he died where he wanted to die, at home. He is in a much better place now, that I know for sure. His heart and his kidneys were failing him.

After his release from the hospital, we brought him to our home to recover. He asked me if I thought he would get better. I told him no, I didn't think he was getting better. I told him his head nurse told us his two major organs were failing him and it was just a matter of time. I hope I did the right thing by telling him the truth. I held his hand as I told him and he looked like oh, okay. And then he wanted to go home. And yesterday he went home to our Lord.

Listen to me on WWWN Radio

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I've had a blast today doing some voice over work for the internet radio station, WWWN on Live 365 radio. http://www.live365.com/ and look for my radio station, WWWN. Please do log on and listen. If you'd like you can even request a song or make a dedication. I am notified via email and I will put your song on or make the dedication for you. Become a listener! The station is songs from the 60s, 70s and 80s which was a fun time.

I do voice over for an episode which I call the Hollywood Minute. I talk about stuff going on in Hollywood, gossip on upcoming films, and today I am promoting my friend Christopher Carrington. He is appearing on an upcoming episode of ABC's Castle tomorrow night. I am very excited for Chris. He and I worked together on the indie film, "Woman's Work" which went to like 20 independent film festivals.

I am tired after working on a TV show last Wednesday, and another show on Thursday and Friday. I was hoping to catch lunch or dinner with some of my LA pals but I wasn't expecting to be on the set for a 12 hour day. Yikes! After that all I want to do is have some dinner, put on some jammies and jump into bed.

There is nothing like driving down the 101 towards Hollywood and knowing I am working on the set. I report to wardrobe and makeup. Bless those makeup ladies for helping me look good. I never quite know what to wear to the set and believe me, all the actresses come in looking like death warmed over. We stumble in with no makeup and head straight for the coffee!

So for my upcoming week, who knows? Well, I have mandatory jury duty tomorrow. Yuck! I am not happy about this because there was a really good SAG job that I could have auditioned for but because the auditions were on Monday, I knew I couldn't go.

And I missed an audition for Anna's Linens. I was working on the set and my agent told me to try to audition if I got out early enough but nope, it wasn't happening. Oh well. That's how it goes. I met some really awesome ladies last week on the set of the new comedy show, "Jon Benjamin Has a Van" and one of them shared some good gossip on where to shop for clothes. I love it when you go to the set and the vibe is just right. It makes for an easy, tranquil set where we all work together and believe me when there are 10 women there sometimes that doesn't always happen.

I have to say though that even though I am one of those people that are unemployed that I have been really lucky. I have some upcoming projects in 2011, I have some job prospects and am doing a play in February. I had an audition this year for Dexter and got a callback on a national commercial. Even though I didn't get cast, I did get in front of 2 new casting directors that I'd never seen before. Dustin Hoffman once auditioned for Mike Nichols and even though he didn't get the role, Mr. Nichols remembered Dustin and cast him for The Graduate and the rest is history.

I'm listening to WWWN and Leslie Gore is singing a song. Wow, this brings back memories of watching my older sisters dancing to 45s. I was the little sister always hanging around them and asking them to teach me how to dance. They would shoo me away and I would still watch them and mimic their moves. One sister was much older and just wanted to get married. The other sister was incredibly self-conscious and shy. And all I ever wanted to do was dance and act.

And so I did. I acted in school plays in grade school. I joined the Glee Club in high school and acted in high school productions. After graduation I joined local community groups and acted in some drama plays and did some musicals. I was doing West Side Story when a police Lieutenant I knew asked me to encourage his niece. She wanted to be an actress too. Believe me, she didn't need any encouragement from me. She had ambition and you know her today as the beautiful and talented Katie Holmes from Toledo, Ohio. True story!

I have been asked to write a story on the master class I attended which was taught by Janis Ian. I am so excited because I know she will read it. I wish I had taken notes now but I couldn't take my eyes off her. She was just so amazing. Have you heard the Buddhist saying, when the student is ready the teacher will appear? Well, it's true. I feel sometimes that I still have so much to learn about the entertainment business.

I will share my journey with you, my readers as I stumble across this mine field. There are pitfalls. There are setbacks. There will be blood, sweat and tears. And there have been many times when I have been so tired that I could only manage a bowl of cereal for dinner. But then when things are better it makes the white wine and lobster dinners that much sweeter!

I Booked it

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Yay, I booked two jobs. I went on an audition last week for another episode of I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant. I received a call on Friday to put me on avail and just received a call that I got the job. I work on Thursday and Friday.

And then I booked another job as a featured extra on a television show which works on Wednesday. I need the work and praise the Lord now I have two jobs.

I notified my agent and she is very proud of me. So I will have the casting directors contact my agent and clear my schedule for the rest of the week.

I was a little nervous about finding employment this time of year but the only thing I can do is try and audition as much as possible. And now my prayers have been answered. Thanks to everyone who said a little prayer for me.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. I had a nice time and am trying to stay warm. My goodness where did all this cold weather come from?

Well, thanks for reading. Hopefully this is an indication that things are looking up. Does anyone need a full-time production assistant? I have excellent references and good experience. I am sending resumes to Warner Brothers and Universal Studios. Background in Finance but would rather work on films. Let me know!

How Was Turkey Day?

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Mine was very good although I miss my son who is serving his country abroad. We kept him in our prayers at dinnertime. Speaking of dinner I have eaten so much these last 3 days. Yikes! But as I said earlier Thanksgiving is not the time to be dieting. No regrets. I love turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and the pumpkin pie.

So sad to hear that George Lopez and his wife Ann are divorcing. I had heard that quite some time ago but to know that it is finally happening is still sad to me. I read an article recently about marriage being obsolete and I don't think that is so. Marriage is the glue that holds families together. I think most people long for that special someone to love them when they are young and hot and someone to grow old with.

What do you look like first thing in the morning? I always remove all my makeup before I go to bed. Sometimes I still have lipstick on because I hate dry lips. But other than that my hair is a mess, I usually have a pillow line on my cheek. It's not glamorous in the least. My face needs a good scrubbing, a brush through my hair and some toothpaste. A little moisturizer and I'm good to go for that hot cup of coffee in the morning. Then all is right with the world again.

I recently had two sleep studies. I found out that I have been so tired because I'm not getting all the oxygen that I need. I have sleep obstruction and sleep apnea going on. So my doctor has recommended a CPAP machine. Oh, now I look really glamorous when I go to bed. I have this mask with tubing that goes in my nose so I can breathe in good oxygen and get rid of the carbon dioxide. It is very quiet and amazingly, my throat doesn't hurt every morning. It makes me sleep better already and sleeping better gives me more energy through the day and I'm not constantly in a haze, fumbling for thoughts and words. It has only been 3 days and I feel a big difference already. So much fun having polio, isn't it?

I am looking at the calendar and I can't believe it is November, 2010. My goodness this year has just flown by. I'm looking around my house and there's just so much stuff! I have to start downsizing. I have boxes and boxes of books. I have cabinets full of DVDs. I swear I'm going to downsize. Not having a job can be a good thing. You don't have any extra money to buy more junk. I've never been one of those gals that has to shop, shop buy, buy all the time. If I need a black skirt I go to the store and walk straight to the skirt section. I may try on 3 or 4 and then find exactly what I want, purchase it and leave. I can't see wasting your time at a mall. I actually hate shopping. If I could afford to have a personal shopper, I would hire one in a heartbeat.

One thing I do love is getting my hair done. Nails are nice too but that is a luxury I can do without. But hair is another thing entirely. Love the shampoo and conditioner part. Just quietly resting my eyes while my hair is being washed. Love it! I am growing my hair out again and its growing in thick and nice just like always. I've had shorter hair for years because I was writing and didn't want to be bothered. Just chop it off and give me a pad and a pen. I've got things to do, people to watch and stories to write. But now I'm reviewing the situation as they say in Oliver!

I miss so many things but no time to ponder on what was. Time to think of what could be. I think I'll watch the Wizard of Oz and start decorating my fake Christmas tree. I love a real tree but when I was paying almost $100 for a tree that dies anyway I had to review the situation. We can make some hot chocolate and listen to some holiday music. Then sit down and watch Judy Garland sing Over the Rainbow. Love it! Welcome to the holiday season. Time to make sure I have correct addresses to send out the Christmas cards. Do you believe it? I'm thankful for my family, my friends near and far and my cats. My furry little friends make me laugh and give me joy. I'm thinking of getting a dog but what type? Don't know but it seems everyone around here has a dog or two. I want something not too large but not too small either. A type of dog that gets along well with cats. Any suggestions?